1. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
3. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
4. The nicest part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does!
5. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
6. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
7. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
8. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigerous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty...do it and die."
9. I read this article that said the typcial symptoms fo stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
10. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
* * * * * * *
Thanks for the cybersalt award, Pastor Tim . . . 
. . . Visit Pastor Tim's great CleanLaugh site!
* * * * * * *
"My Attorney"
After living a "decent" life, my time on earth came to
an end. The first
thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting
room of what I thought
to be a court house.
The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and
have a seat by the
defense table. As I looked around I saw the
"prosecutor." He was a
villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at
me. He definitely was
the
most evil person I have ever seen.
I sat down and looked to my left and there sat my
lawyer, a kind and
gentle looking man whose appearance seemed familiar to
me.
The corner door flew open and there appeared the judge
in full flowing
robes. He commanded an awesome presence as he moved
across the room. I
couldn't take my eyes off of him.
As he took his seat behind the bench, he said, "Let us
begin."
The prosecutor rose and said, "My name is Satan and I
am here to show you
why
this man belongs in hell."
He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things that
I stole, and in the
past when I cheated others. Satan told of other
horrible perversions that
were once in my life and the more he spoke, the
further down in my seat I
sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't look at
anyone, even my own
lawyer, as the Devil told of sins that even I had
completely forgotten
about.
As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these
things about me, I was
equally upset at my representative who sat there
silently not offering any
form of defense at all. I know I had been guilty of
those things, but I had
done some good in my life - couldn't that at least
equal out part of the
harm
I've done?
Satan finished with a fury and said, "This man belongs
in hell, he is
guilty of all that I have charged and there is not a
person who can prove
otherwise.
When it was his turn, my lawyer first asked if he
might approach the
bench. The judge allowed this over the strong
objection of Satan, and
beckoned him to come forward. As he got up and
started walking, I was able
to see him in his full splendor and majesty. I
realized why he seemed so
familiar. This was Jesus representing me.
He stopped at the bench and softly said to the judge,
"Hi Dad," and then
he turned to address the court. "Satan was correct in
saying that this man
had sinned, I won't deny any of these allegations.
And yes the wage of sin
is death, and this man deserves to be punished."
Jesus took a deep breath and turned to his Father with
outstretched arms and
proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so that this
person might have
eternal life and he has accepted me as his Savior, so
he is mine."
My Lord continued with, "His name is written in the
book of life and no
one can snatch him from me. Satan still does not
understand yet. This man
is
not to be given justice, but rather mercy."
As Jesus sat down, he quietly paused, looked at his
Father and replied,
"There is nothing else that needs to be done. I've
done it all."
The judge lifted his mighty hand and slammed the gavel
down. The following
words bellowed from his lips... "This man is free.
The penalty for him has
already been paid in full. Case dismissed."
As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and
raving, "I won't
give up, I'll win the next one."
I asked Jesus as he gave me my instructions where to
go next, "Have you ever
lost a case?"
Christ lovingly smiled and said, "Everyone that has
come to me and asked me
to represent them has received the same verdict as
you, Paid in Full."
Selected from God@Work newsletter. God@Work is a ministry of St Mark's United Methodist Church, 8550 Pioneers Blvd., Lincoln Nebraska 68520 U.S.A.
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