~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.
~ A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
~ A good pun is its own reword.
~ A heavy-handed father makes a nimble-footed son.
~ A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
~ A lot of people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
~ A termite walks into the bar and says, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
~ A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
~ A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
~ Abdominos: Sit-ups & pizza.
~ Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
~ Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
~ Always in the right place...but at the wrong time.
~ Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
~ Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
~ Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
~ America still has more marriages than divorces...proving that preachers can still out-talk lawyers.
~ An optimist is a person who thinks humorists will eventually run out of definitions of an optimist.
~ Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
~ Are paramedics required to treat all alligators hurt in an accident with Gatorade?
~ As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
~ Before you become old and wise, you must first be young and foolish.
~ Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
~ Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
~ Children need more models than critics.
~ Death is hereditary.
~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
~ Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
~ Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
~ Energizer Bunny arrested--charged with battery.
~ Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
~ Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
~ False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
~ Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
~ Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
--Selected from Mikey's Funnies.
