~ Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
~ Home is where you hang your @.
~ How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
~ How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
~ I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
~ I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
~ I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
~ I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
~ I have excellent sleeping habits. When the sun rises, I don't.
~ I hate mornings...they're so early!
~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."
~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~ I was thinking about old age. I decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you're just too tired to bounce it.
~ If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
~ If a firefighter fights fire and crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
~ If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
~ If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
~ If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
~ If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
~ If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
~ If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
~ If bills are rectangular, how come they keep rolling in?
~ If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
~ If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
~ If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
~ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
~ If it's true that we are all here to help others, then what exactly are all the others here for?
~ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
~ If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
~ If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
~ If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
~ If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
~ If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long?
~ If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
~ If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
~ Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.
~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.
~ Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
~ Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions"--and if you got a different "impression." so what? Can't we all just get along?
~ Interchangeable parts won't.
~ Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?
~ Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
~ Is it time for your medication or mine?
~ Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
~ Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
~ Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
~ Is Walt Disney Productions a Mickey Mouse operation?
~ Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
~ It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
~ Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper: It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.
~ Live as you wish your kids would.
~ Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
~ Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
~ Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
~ Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
~ Money isn't everything...there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
~ "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed."
~ No job is so simple that it can't be messed up.
~ No one ought to be so pessimistic that he can't see some good in other people's problems.
~ Now there's a list of the Ten Most Neurotic People...it's called The Best-Stressed List.
~ Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
~ Pity poor old George Washington. He couldn't blame his troubles on the previous administration.
~ Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.
--selected from Mikey's Funnies.
