I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the
season when the food police come out with their wagging
fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas
spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next
door, where they're serving chocolate brownies.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's
like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else
to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa.
Position yourself near them, and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not
going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day ?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean
have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January
is just around the corner.
--Selected from Good Clean Fun newsletter.
