1. Santa lives at the North Pole.
Anyone who has ever dated/married/been in the same room with a woman knows that unless the air temperature is high enough to cook a small turkey, she will complain about it being too cold. So, there is NO way she would choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas would be more to her taste.

2. Santa is fat and jolly.
I dare ANYONE to describe ANY woman as "fat and jolly" to her face and expect to survive! If Santa was a woman, and you refereed to her as this, you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a pipe-bomb!

3. Santa at the mall.
Now, I know that others have used the "Mall" example as proof that Santa is a woman. However, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you this...What does Santa DO at the mall??? HE SITS DOWN!!! Do you ever see women sitting down at the mall??? Noooo! Women are running around trying to find a dust ruffle that matches the throw pillows on her sister's day-bed! Men sit...Santa sits. 'nuff said.

4. Santa walks around on rooftops.
I don't know about you, but my wife REFUSES to get on the roof! If there is anything to be done up there, she sends me. In fact, I don't think I have EVER seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking around on a slippery, angled housetop is further proof that he is a "He!"

5. Santa likes Milk and Cookies.
If Santa were a woman, we'd have to leave Godiva Chocolate and International Foods Flavored Coffee. Or maybe herbal tea. Of course, if she was still sensitive about the whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she would demand nothing more than a carrot stick and a glass of water.

6. Santa uses the Chimney.
No woman would ever THINK about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. A woman would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never work because she wouldn't be able to find them in her purse.

7. Santa has reindeer.
Reindeer are totally for guys; they are big, hairy, smelly, and have huge antlers. A woman would never use them. She would prefer to be driven around in a stretch limo. Or, if she really wanted to use the traditional sleigh, they would have to be pulled by horses. I mean, what is it with women and horses??

And that's why Santa is a man!
Copyright 2002 Bill Helker.
Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes.

--Selected from Mikey's Funnies.

Christmas Reality Check!

'Twas the night before Christmas--and all through the town,
Not a sign of Baby Jesus--was anywhere to be found.
The people were all busy with Christmas time chores--
Like decorating, and baking, and shopping in stores.

No one sang, "Away in a manger--no crib for a bed."
Instead, they sang of Santa----dressed-up in bright red.
Mama watched Martha Stewart-----Papa drank beer from a tap.
As hour upon hour the presents they'd wrap.

Then what from the T.V. did they suddenly hear?
'Cept an ad--which told of a big sale down at Sears.
So away to the mall they all flew like a flash--
Buying some things on credit---and others with cash!

And, as they made their way home from their trip to the mall,
Did they think about Jesus? Oh, no--not at all.

Their lives were so busy with their Christmas time things,
They had no time to remember Christ Jesus, the King.
There were presents to wrap and cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember the One who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior--they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time to "Shop till they dropped!"
On Wal-m! art! On K-mart! On Target! On Penney's!
On Hallmark! On Zales! A quick lunch at Denny's!

From the big stores downtown to the stores at the mall,
They would dash away, dash away, and visit them all!

And up on the roof, there arose such a clatter--
As grandpa hung icicle lights--using his brand new step ladder.
He hung lights that would flash. He hung lights that would twirl.
Yet, he never once prayed--to Jesus--the Light of the World.

Christ's eyes--how they twinkle!
Christ's Spirit--how merry!
Christ's love--how enormous!
All of our burdens--He'll carry!

So instead of being busy, overworked, and uptight---
Let's put Christ back in Christmas--and enjoy some good nights!

--Selected from Pastor Tim's Illustrations.

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All Scriptures are taken from the King James Version of the Holy Bible.

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